Puppet
by Gigglesnorter
Summary: Chiyo-Baa-Chan told me too make friends. And so I did. But they were all insane, mutants, freaks, or just plain pedophiles. Sasori crack-fic.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

**Enjoy!**

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My crimson locks bounced up and down, as I walked to the academy. My faded brown eyes were half-lidded in their usual bored stance. My mouth an unnerving frown, my mildly tanned skin being brushed with seeds of sand.

I looked up to eye the rocky structures of buildings and homes, including the border of my home country. Sunagakure. Its typical sky circling with winds of sand, the breeze a rough sand storm burning your pupils. The residents wearing garbs of cloths around their faces too block the horrid sand-waves.

_I hate it here..._

My sad-like face turning away from the boring scene, I walked forward to school. I stopped at the entrance, eying the symbol crested upon the entrance, an hourglass figure with a strange looking lid above it.

It was..._everywhere._

I sniffled, letting the dirt-like smells enter my nose. I rubbed my sore, red eyes trying to block the sand from hitting them. I grit my teeth and pulled open the heavy wooden doors of the academy. The sounds of giggling, yelling, laughing, growling and scowling wavered into my ears.

_Chiyo-Baa-Chan told me too make friends._

...she's finally lost it...

I walked slowly, with each step making a soft '_thunk'_. I paused at reaching the door, blinking momentarily, and thinking if I _really_ should go inside. My conscious getting the best of me, and also the nagging inner voice of Chiyo-Baa-Chan who would scowl at me if I missed a day of school.

I pushed open the door, so that the sweet aroma of dango filled the air. I slowly walked towards my desk at the back, sat down and folded my hands on my lap. I took a good whiff again and paused.

_Dango...?_

"Gyah! Look at red-head here! He looks like he's gonna cry!" a very, _very_, squealing voice said.

I froze, crushing my knuckles together, blinking rapidly. Thinking, thinking, thinking...thinking who in the hell just said that to me! My eyes widened, with my jaw locked and set. Dabs of sweat poured from my brows.

_Don't look up._

"Looky, he's deaf too, un!" another unfamiliar voice shouted.

I gnawed at my lip, biting it nervously.

"Is he...okay?" a female voice purred.

I sunk lower into my seat.

"...looks like he's gonna soil himself." _another_ voice said.

I started panicking.

_Just go away..._

"Hey, weasel! Did you like traumatize him with that swirly red eye of yours?" sounds of grunting continued after that.

_Breathe._

"Poke him, poke him, poke him!" someone chanted.

I couldn't take it anymore. I jumped to my feet, and ran out of the classroom. I heard my teacher yell out at me, and the _children_ who were talking to me, scream out for me. I shuddered and ran faster, clutching my bag closer to my chest.

_My puppet fell out..._

I paused.

"Hey kid! Hey, hey, I have you're puppet, un!" there went _that_ voice again.

But that didn't matter. He _had_ my puppet. He had my puppet. He - Had - My -_ Freaking _- Puppet! My body stiffened as I turned around, glaring at him as he held Karasu by the neck.

_The neck?_

"Hey this is you're pup-," he dropped Karasu, "Whoops my bad. Anyways, this is yours Ain't it, un?" he picked him up and stretched him forward with his arms. I lunged forward to him, grabbing Karasu but sadly -_ I tackled him to the ground, and rolled down an unexpected hill._

"Ow, ow, ow, un!" he screamed trying to block the rocks hitting him.

I was too freighted, that I clutched tighter too the mysterious boys waist, and hugged him closer. We finally landed somewhere, with me being on top. I peaked an eye opened to see the mysterious male for myself.

Sun kissed hair tied into a pony tail, with a long side bang covering the eye. Sapphire blue eyes strained, skin tone was a peachy tone. Wearing a black cloak with red cloud-like puffs and bandages wrapped around the arms.

Wait...a...minute...

_It's a girl..._

"My apologies, Ma'am." I stood up, brushed my pants and bowed. Turning around to depart, an awkward cough was heard from behind me. I paused and turned around slowly to see _her_ glaring at me.

"Excuse me, un?" _she_ breathed.

I gulped, "I...did I say something wrong Ma'am?"

_Her_ left eye twitched.

"I'm a boy, un!"_She_ screamed...wait. Boy?

"You're..._a boy?_"

He..._she_ grunted, "Of course I'm a freaking boy, un!"

"...are you gay?"

**He**_she_ coughed violently, "No,un!"

I raised an eyebrow, "Why do you keep saying 'un'?"

The _boy_ paused momentarily, "I...shut up, un!"

"There you go again."

"Shut up, un!"

"...you just said it..._again_."

"Shut. Up."

A pause.

"Un."

I giggled.

"...shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, un-,"

"DeiDei-chan what in the hell are you ranting about now?" the female voice cascaded. The little hairs on the back of my neck stood up, as hand rested on my shoulder. It was - _blue_.

"Kisame! You're making the kid shit his pants!" a brunette loudly exclaimed. I paused and stared at the floor, breathing in and out. Never, never, _never_ in my life had I gotten this much attention. It was driving me insane.

"I...best be going." I curtly nodded, gathered up my belongings and longed for the park opening. But I was stopped by the female.

..._who stabbed me with a red rose_...

I paused and toppled over, twitching severely every second.

"...Konan...what the hell did you do that for?"

"...he...was getting away."

"And...?"

"I like him."

Someone kicked me in the ribs.

"Pein!"

"..."

"I don't _like_ him like that, dumb ass. He's just so-so-,"

_...in pain?_

"Adorable!"

I got another kick to the head.

"Pe-in!"

"I think...he's bleeding."

"Good for him, un!"

Twitch, twitch.

My fingertips glowered with chakara as I inched them forward, making Karasu float up and hover above the **he**_she_. I pulled my finger forward, and Karasu whacked the man-girl forward.

"Oof, un!"

"...what in the wor-,"

Karasu slammed the one who kicked me in the ribs.

"Ow, what the fuck!"

I made a run for it.

"Break his puppet, un!"

I stopped and turned around. There burning my freaking puppet!

"Give him back!" I squealed. For Kami's sake I was _only_ eight. The blonde paused and ripped Karasu's head off. I broke his nose. He broke my arm. I ripped his ponytail off. His _hand_ chewed my ear lobe. The girl named Konan dragged us to the emergency room.

...my puppet was never the same again...

* * *

"I told you not to pick on him."

"Shut up, Konan, un."

"Just saying, he's only a kid."

"An annoying brat, un!"

"You ripped his toy."

..._it's a puppet!_

"He shouldn't be playing with puppets, un!"

"...you play with sculptures of birds."

"Its art, un!"

"Birds?"

"...un..."

"Why are you even talking to eight-year olds Deidara?"

The-the-the..._blue one!_

"..._pedo_..."

"Shut up Weasel, un!"

"Why do you guys even _call_ him weasel?"

"..."

"..."

An awkward cough.

"Because that's what his name means."

"...Itachi?"

A pause.

"Um...yes?"

"...Kami!"

I rolled off the bed.

"Tobi..."

"Yes?"

"...go eat some dango."

"Not without DeiDei-Sama!"

Cough, "Gay." cough.

I crawled over to the door.

There was a girlish squeak, "My-my...my money!"

Someone laughed evilly in a corner.

I turned the knob slowly, pushing the door front ways.

"Bye-bye, Puppet-chibi!" the abnormal freak yelled.

My hand twitched, as sweat dripped across my forehead. Someone wrapped there hands around my ankle, and slid me across the room. I screamed, and another stuck a ..._dango_... in my mouth.

...and then I was being held upside down by one foot in the air...

I was only an eight year old boy.  
_Who started crying his heart out for his mommy._

"I-I...I w-want my m-mommy!" I squealed, while whipping my nose on my sleeve. The girl 'Konan' sniffled and crushed me too death, swinging me from side to side. The other one 'Tobi' joined in and cried with me.

"Kawai! Can we keep him?" Konan screamed to the scary looking boy with orange hair and multiple piercing. Said boy shifted uncomfortably, having a staring contest with the girl. She won- _and decided to take me home._

"Let's go Fluffers!" she chirped while picking me up.

My eye twitched, "Sasori."

She paused, "Mm?"

"My name...is Sasori."

Konan's lips twitched, "Fluffers."

I was puzzled, "Ano...no, It's Sa-_so_-ri."

Her smile widened (..._in a creepy way._) she tightened her hold on me, crushing my ribs, "Don't be ridiculous Fluffers."

I wheezed for air, "But its-,"

She squeezed my neck, "Fluff..._ers._"

I looked up to see the rest of the boys whistling and looking at other direction, the piercing guy was whispering something to me, "_Just play along, fool!_"

I gulped and looked back at Konan and nodded, she smiled and pet my hair, "That's a good girl, Fluffers."

* * *

"So...you're her _cat?_ Un." Deidara asked, eying me strangely.

I unshuffled uncomfortably, scratching the pink collar-bell on my neck. It kept making a 'dinging' and 'ringing' noise. Konan..._loved_ it. I coughed.

"Err...no."

Deidara blinked, "What are you then, un?"

I kept scratching my neck, "I'm her...uhh..."

Hidan entered the room, "Crocodile?"

"What...no!"

"So...?"

I cleared my throat, "I'm her pet tulip."

They both blinked, "You're a flower?"

"Yes...._no!_"

"_What?_"

"I...I'm actually a cactus."

"But you're not pointy at all!"

"Not at all, un!"

"...I know."

"Then why...?"

I sighed, "Because I'm too damn _squish-able_."

"She's insane, un."

"Completely."

"Poor Pein, un."

"...poor me what?"

Hidan ran out of the room. (..._Deidara found his wallet later that day missing_). Pein stared at me for a while, he took a step closer. Deidara pushed me forward like the Pansy he is! Pein was hovering above me and...

"Are you...laughing,un?" Deidara asked.

Pein shook his head, clearly failing in hiding his smile," Come here _Fluffers_, come to _Daddy_. Were gonna go have a bubble bath." he stretched his hands out, while gritting his teeth that was forming a grin.

My eye sockets nearly fell out, "Pedophile,un!"

I peed my pants.

"C'mere!"

I met manhood those 30 minutes

..._Pein's a great teacher_...

* * *

Deidara-Chan and Tobi-San were walking with me side by side, down a cold wet alley. They were taking me to there _secret_ hide out- _which was right behind the ice cream shop._ Deidara nudged me in the arm.

"So...did he rape you,un?" he whispered.

I paused. _Rape?_

"What does 'rape' mean?"

Deidara froze.

"I...umm...it means...un."

"Rape means when a big scary jumps on a itty,bitty girl and-," Tobi was cut off by Deidara covering his mouth. Tobi bit him. Deidara stomped on his dango. Tobi took out a gun and...threatened to kill us.

..._Deidara bought him some more dango..._

"Ahh...anyways. Rape is...umm...Sasori did Pein..._touch_ you in anyway, un?" I starred impassively at him. Tobi was in the background, holding two dango's, one was bigger then the other. He was rapidly..._hitting_ them against each other. Where they...attacking each other?

"Danna,un?"

I shook my head and looked up to Deidara, "Nani?"

Deidara held his breathe, "Pein...touch...you,un?"

"Um...hai?"

He almost had a heart attack.

"Okay Sasori! Point to the doll where he..._touched_ you,un." he gave me a flimsy, soft doll. I pointed too its whee-whee. Deidara screamed like a banshee. Tobi's dango were killing each other.

Deidara grabbed my hand and kicked down a paper mache door. Tobi followed behind us, hoping up and down. Deidara ran with me too a far end were Pein, Konan and the rest of the _weird_ boys were sitting in high pointy chairs.

"You pervert,un!" Deidara screamed at Pein, pointing a finger at him.

Pein blinked while Konan's hand twitched.

"..._what?_"

"I knew it!"

"He always did have that weird fetish around children."

"But...but he loves children!" Konan sobbed out.

Tobi stroked her hair, "Exactly."

She sobbed uncontrollably.

Hidan robbed everyone.

Deidara clutched my hand..._smiling?_

Pein blinked several times.

Tobi munched on Konan's hair.

I fumbled with my collar.

"What if...what if Fluffers raped _him!_" Konan screamed, pointing at me. Hidan coughed awkwardly, Deidara bite his lip, Tobi made out with himself, Pein twirled his hair, a green guy ate a human hand.

...wait -

"Who...who's the green guy?" I mumbled.

Everyone turned to stare at the green-guy. A blue guy who was eating..._crill_ stepped in after with a tired looking-thirty old man. Also followed by another masked-wearing guy. I couldn't help but choke back a sob.

"...do you mean Zetsu?" Konan asked.

"You mean the one eating the human-hand...then yeah."

"Heh, he likes you Zetsu-Sama."

"...I...who's the kid? Looks tasty." the weed-plant licked his lips.

I hid behind Deidara, "Why does he look like a plant!"

"Its the ninja world Chibi-chan, _anythings_ possible."

I paused.

"What about the..._blue_ one?" I muttered.

Deidara coughed, "That's Kisame. Itachi's pet fish,un."

'Itachi's' eye twitched, 'Kisame's' gills...sprayed water. "I...don't even like fish." Itachi murmured lamely.

"We found him near a lake one day. Turns out some kid flushed Kisame down the toilet, and Itachi really wanted sushi that day and decided to take him in. But Itachi bonded with him while we were boiling the water, and so we couldn't eat him anymore. In truth, we all think he's just fattening him up." Tobi whispered.

Kisame gasped girlishly in the background, "I'm not fat!"

More laughter.

"Uh huh, 'course."

"Its...its not funny! Tell them Itachi! Tell them I've been working out!" the shark-boy squealed.

Itachi coughed awkwardly, "Ehh...he's been eating tofu."

"...but you were _just_ eating crill."

A pause.

"...its was...non-calorie...crill."

"..._the hell?_"

"Just, shut up! Oh yeah...who's the kid?"

Tobi patted my neck a little _too_ hard, "He's our pet Cactus named Fluffers."

"..._ and who raped Pein._" Konan whispered.

My nose twitched, "I still don't know what that means!"

Everyone froze, "I..._really?_"

"Yes!"

Deidara scratched his head, "First things first, what in the hell was Pein doing with him in the bathroom?"

Pein chewed his cheek, "We were..."

"Having a bubble bath." I said.

Everyone sweat dropped.

"W-what else h-happened?" Konan asked shaking.

"He grabbed the sponge and made small circles on my back."

They all stared at a flushing Pein.

"And then what?"

"He cleaned me squeaky clean!"

Konan attacked Pein.

"Best dang bubble bath of my life!" I sing-songed. Everyone paused, and turned to me. They all had eyebrows risen. I starred eagerly at them.

"What, un?"

"Pein gave me a bubble bath."

Konan let go of Pein's neck.

"Oh."

"...and gave me real good advice."

Pein turned blue.

"What advice?"

"Err..."

"What did you tell him Pein?" Konan said through gritted teeth.

"I...gave him some sex advice."

Itachi laughed.

"But he's like...._ten._"

My mouth twitched, "I'm eight."

Konan punched his arm, "You sick pervert! Telling an eight year old about sex! You're not even that old, you worthless 15-year old!" she kicked him in the ribs once more, and then proceeded to cut his limbs off and feed them too Zetsu.

"B-but Tobi's l-like 39!" Pein shrieked.

My blood ran cold, "Your...a middle aged man?"

Tobi poked himself, "...yes chibi."

"But...I thought you were 12!" I screamed.

Tobi smirked and put his hand on his hip, "I look _that_ good, eh, Chibi-chan?"

I fainted in Kisame's half eaten tofu.

* * *

After hours of pinching, rubbing, hugging, squealing, and half eaten foods I had finally escaped there stupid, _stupid_ club house. I smelled like rotten fish, I had teeth marks all over my head, half my head was shaved, and I lost my wallet.

Deidara blew up one of my puppets. And is now my eternal slave.

I am no longer Konan's cactus, but now I am her Kumquat named Earl.

I am Pein's bubble-bath sponge.

I am Tobi's little Chibi who buys him illegal dango.

Zetsu is now my weed-farm who eats little children who stills from him.

I buy Itachi's anti-aging cream.

I am Kisame's _only_ friend.

I am Hidan's piggy bank.

And I am Karazu's prank-calling buddy.

I sighed as I scratched my head, and a weasel fell out. I was in front of my home, I sniffled as I pushed open the door and the smells of old people and medicine filled my nose. I walked passed the portrait of Chiyo-Baa-Chan and me in the park _trying_ to smile.

I walked into the kitchen to find her making some tea. She turned around and gave me a small smile, "Welcome home Sasori-Kun, how was you're day at school?" she asked.

I glared at her, "Horrible."

She inched an eyebrow, "Oh?"

I narrowed my eyes, "And it's all your fault!"

She blinked, "My fault?"

I sipped my hot tea, "You said too make friends."

Her eyes widened, "You _made_ actual _friends?_"

My mouth twitched, "I didn't _mean_ too. They took me as a hostage."

"I...don't understand."

"They knocked me unconscious!"

She froze..._and sipped her tea._ "That's not very nice but..._you made friends_. Don't throw it away over a simple concussion."

I chewed the inside of my cheek, "There all crazy."

She continued sipping, "How so?"

I sighed, "One's a transsexual, anothers a shark, one of them has a name of a squirrel. There's a scary couple who name me creepy names and think I'm there pet cactus and _weird things_, while the other gives me bubble baths and gives me advice. One's a plant who eats people, and there's two twins who are kleptomaniac and pyromaniac. And last but not least...there's a middle-aged pedophile."

She paused and starred at me for a few minutes, "Thats...nothing."

I ate a piece of a rice cake, "Chiyo-Baa-Chan?"

She closed her eyes, "Hmm?"

"What does rape mean?"

She choked on her _cold_ tea.  


* * *

**The end.** (Haha)


End file.
